Sunday, March 15, 2009

It's Been a Long Winter

Golly! I just have been rereading some of my most recent blogs! I know it has been a LONG winter, and I have had a rough go of it, but really...I didn't know quite how morbid and "feel-sorry-for-myselfish" I had had been. I wonder if I have been this way to my family and friends! I must get back to living life and having a good time. To hell with winter...welcome Spring, both inside and out. I promise better things, what ever they are!

Peace and love,

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I found this quote........

In a book I am reading I found this paragraph which read,"Why is my sweet, loveable wife dead, when the fools and criminals and drunks, the flotsam and jetsam who fill the courtrooms and prisions, can't be killed with a sledgehammer? Why do my son and daughter not have a mother?How can this be authored--or all0wed--by a benevolent God? And if your answer is 'sometimes we can't understand His purpose,' I don't want to hear it. That's not an answer, it's an excuse."

I guess I am in a "funky" mood today, but this quote sort of describes how I feel when I think about my wife's death. Don't get me wrong, I still believe God is good, but don't tell me that Tilly's death was His will. It wasn't! It just pisses me off when people use benign platitudes thinking it will make you feel better. It doesn't. I guess I just want to know why it happened the way it did, when it did. I won't ever know, but I can want to know all the same.

Thank God that my own pastors don't rely on platitudes. They shoot straight from the hip where this kind of thing is concerned. That has helped.

Oh well, maybe I should hit delete; or not. No, I won't. I needed this chance to get this off my chest.

Peace and love,

Saturday, March 07, 2009

After A While

You know how sometimes things can be there so long you just don't notice them? Well I found this taped to the full-length mirror that my late wife always used. It hangs on the back of our bedroom door and has for the last several years, but I never really notice what she had taped there until now:

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean
and company doesn't mean
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't promises
and you begin to
accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in midflight
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring
you flowers
and you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn...

I think she is trying to tell me something now, even after being gone for 16 months.