Ramblings

There are many things I have learned in the past two years since my wife died. I think I have mentioned some of them before. Like learning which bills are due, when and how to cook and clean, and do the dreaded laundry.
Well, there are many other things I have learned, too. I have learned that life does go on. For other people in my life, it seems like their lives have returned to normal. My friends have quit asking me how I am doing. They have also quit asking me to do things with them. Maybe it's that "third wheel" thing. Maybe it's a drag to always have that third party along without a partner to fill the forth empty chair.
Oh, I have friends, especially Curley, who has remained close and calls and we do things together. I thank the good Lord each day for her friendship. I also am thankful that my daughter, Professor, is here. Having her here has kept me on track, has helped me eat better and of course has helped with the loneliness. I can honestly say that I do miss the peace and quiet that I had grown used to, but I'm sure she does too. I know she is looking forward to finding a job and again having a place of her own. She will probably heave a sign of relief when the time comes that she doesn't have to listen to my ramblings and put up with my idiosyncrasies.
My Ohio friends keep in touch also, and we talk often via phone or e mail as do my brother and sister-in-law in Texas.

I'm not too sure what to say about my relationship with my son and his family at this time. Upon the death of my in-laws last month, my son inherited their entire estate. I have no idea about the monetary value of said estate, but I do know that the house he inherited is worth several thousand in itself. I also know that Prof didn't inherit a thing. Grandparents M seemed to think they could judge her and teach her a "life lesson" by disowning her. The had no idea what unconditional love was, either with their own daughter or their granddaughter. Evidently they also convinced my son of that, too. It is my hope that when the estate is settled, he will do the right thing by his sister. I am trying to remain neutral, but it is hard when I see the hurt it is causing between my children. My mother-in-law was a selfish old lady (she was selfish when she was young, too) and is still causing family trouble from the grave. This I CANNOT forgive.

Next, I miss my wife. I know that everything people say and everything you read says that with time, it gets easier. And they are right. It is easier that it was the first few months. But I still miss her. I miss finding her sitting here waiting for me to come home. I miss her fragrance that she always wore, and yes, I still even miss her nagging me about stuff. There are times during the day when I think of things I want to tell her when I get home, or a question I want to ask her. Not possible. I find I resent her, too. I am still pissed that she died and left me facing life without her. We had had some financial setbacks which she knew about, and left me alone to dig myself out from under them. She had run our finances for several years, and not successfully and I resent that I have virtually no retirement funds left. I will be able to eke by, but life could be a strain when I retire if I am not really frugal. So there are the good things and the bad, but at the end of the day, I would much rather still have her here; the good outweigh the bad 100%. And she would know the right things to say and do to keep our kids in line. I just don't have the knack or the energy.
I have learned that I am allowed to say "no" to things I don't want to do. Even if they seem important at the time, I can just say I don't want to do it, and not feel overwhelming guilt, like I used to. I like that about myself. I can stand on my own two feet. I am doing it every day and it's making me feel good about myself. I can do this!!!
I guess this has turned into a whine-fest. But sometimes writing it all down and venting helps put things in perspective.
Peace
JE