It's Been a Long Winter

Golly! I just have been rereading some of my most recent blogs! I know it has been a LONG winter, and I have had a rough go of it, but really...I didn't know quite how morbid and "feel-sorry-for-myselfish" I had had been. I wonder if I have been this way to my family and friends! I must get back to living life and having a good time. To hell with winter...welcome Spring, both inside and out. I promise better things, what ever they are!

Peace and love,
JE

I found this quote........

In a book I am reading I found this paragraph which read,"Why is my sweet, loveable wife dead, when the fools and criminals and drunks, the flotsam and jetsam who fill the courtrooms and prisions, can't be killed with a sledgehammer? Why do my son and daughter not have a mother?How can this be authored--or all0wed--by a benevolent God? And if your answer is 'sometimes we can't understand His purpose,' I don't want to hear it. That's not an answer, it's an excuse."

I guess I am in a "funky" mood today, but this quote sort of describes how I feel when I think about my wife's death. Don't get me wrong, I still believe God is good, but don't tell me that Tilly's death was His will. It wasn't! It just pisses me off when people use benign platitudes thinking it will make you feel better. It doesn't. I guess I just want to know why it happened the way it did, when it did. I won't ever know, but I can want to know all the same.

Thank God that my own pastors don't rely on platitudes. They shoot straight from the hip where this kind of thing is concerned. That has helped.

Oh well, maybe I should hit delete; or not. No, I won't. I needed this chance to get this off my chest.

Peace and love,
JE

After A While

You know how sometimes things can be there so long you just don't notice them? Well I found this taped to the full-length mirror that my late wife always used. It hangs on the back of our bedroom door and has for the last several years, but I never really notice what she had taped there until now:

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean
leaning
and company doesn't mean
security
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't promises
and you begin to
accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in midflight
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring
you flowers
and you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn...

I think she is trying to tell me something now, even after being gone for 16 months.

A B C's for Life

I know I haven't posted for a while. I really haven't had anything worth posting. Just tryin' to stay warm and survive this horrific winter! Hurry Spring! I found this today and decided to share it with you, my fellow readers:

Accept differences.
Be kind.
Count your blessings.
Dream
Express thanks
Forgive.
Give freely.
Harm no one.
Imagine more.
Jettison anger
Keep confidences
Love truly.
Master something
Nurture hope.
Open your mind.
Pack lightly.
Quell rumors.
Reciprocate
Seek wisdom.
Touch hearts.
Understand.
Value truth.
Win graciously.
Xeriscape.
Yearn for peace.
Zealously support a worthy cause.

Peace!
JE

Old Acquaintances be Forgotten? Never!

New Year's Eve this year was great. Earlier in the week, my good buddy, de Hube, and his wifey invited me to a party at their house on New Years Eve. I hemmed and hawed about going, since I would be alone, but decided, "what the hell," and went anyway. Lo and behold, there were several other couples there. This was the group of couples that my late wife and I had associated with for the last 30 years or so. They were all so welcoming and kind. I felt honored to be asked to attend.
We had wonderful food of all kinds, appetizers, main course, and of course dessert. Also, Mrs. de Hube had mixed up a gallon of Margaritas. Since I was about the only one in the group that drinks at all, I had a great time trying to get rid of that gallon. Didn't happen, but they did invite me back to help finish it sometime soon.
After eating much too much, we all adjourned to the TV to watch the ball drop in New York City. At 5 minutes to the hour of 12, hats, horns and other noisemaking equipment was passed around. Tradition has it that this stuff is kept from year to year. It made for a good laugh as we donned our crazy hats like birthday children and at the stroke of midnight, we made as much noise as a bunch of "oldsters" can make, passed good wishes and hugs around the group, turned in our hats, and started gathering up our various dishes and coats and stuff, and begain heading for our respective homes. I was home by 12:20AM. Professor and I stayed up and visited and watched a little telly until about 1:00AM. Then went to bed after having a great day!
Happy New Year everyone!
Peace,
JE

Reality Check for 2009!

My friend, "Mathwhiz," sent me this. I thought it would make a good reality check to begin the new year with. Happy New Year, everyone!

Peace,

JE

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Alll is Right With The World!

Christmas was wonderful. We had a great time. My children and grandchildren were all here. What more could I possibly want. Professor made it home all in one piece. My prayers were answered. Things weren't so glum as last year. We laughed lots, loved much, and of course, ate way too much. A good time was had by all. I got neat stuff, too!
Peace,
JE

My mantra for 2009.

I found this quote the other day and think it will be my mantra for 2009. I learned a long time ago not to make New Year's Resolutions, because I can never keep them. But I have adopted this quote. It sounds good to me!
"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."


Peace,
JE

She's Comin' Home!

As you all know, Professor is coming home. She leaves MT. in 2 days! I am excited. I have so many things I want to get done before she gets here. I don't have enough time to get it all done. I will have to prioritize. I keep thinking that I want everything special and perfect when she gets here, but is she really going to care? No, I don't think so. So I will keep on doing my thing, and just maybe everything will fall into place eventually.
It sure will be nice to have her back home!
Peace!
JE

The Things I Have (or Haven't) Done!

I thought this was cool. The things I've done are in orange. If you want to play, copy/paste these into your own blog, and leave me a comment so I'll know to head on over there to read about you. Add events if you want! I added #102!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld or Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Received a bathroom scale as a birthday present
101. Branded cows
102. Been an opening act for a famous group

Can't Hardly Wait

It seems like an eternity, but in just 25 days, Professor will be home for good. I am so excited! I have her quarters all cleaned up and the sheets for her bed are in the dryer as we speak. It will be so nice to see her and have her close. I have missed her. It seems like forever since we have seen each other, though it was just in July. Last night we talked for 155 minutes and 3 seconds according to the timer on my phone. We blabbed about everything and anything, and if possible, we just "hung out" on the phone.
We have come to some agreements. Prof is willing to do some of the cooking if I clear and do the dishes. She also agrees to do the laundry if I am willing to clean and dust. Sounds fair to me.
We also agreed that we both need our space, so we will spend time in our own parts of the house and not get pissed off if we just want quiet or alone time. It worked before, most of the time, when Prof lived here before moving to Montana. So we can make it work again.
I am just thrilled that she wants to be here. We will enjoy each other's company, I know.
This has got to be my best Christmas present!
Peace!
JE

A Bit of Advertising

Hey readers! I have my latest post up on The Writers Block. Check it out! I shamelessly admit it is one of my better pieces.
JE

What Is Left To Say?

I committed a serious mistake the other night. I whined on line that I had no one to talk to and no one really wanted to listen to me when I was feeling down. Well, let me recant that. I have a wonderful family that is always there to listen to me, whether it is on a down day or an up day. I so do appreciate them. Some days I wonder how they stand being around me.
I apologize to my family for what I said. I cherish each of you and what you bring into my life.
I also want to apologize to those friends of mine who have been there for me this last year. I made it sound like you don't care, and I know you do.
I must admit that I was in a bad place when I wrote that blog. I should be more careful when I post and let my feeling go. I need to hold onto these writings for a while before I post them and reread them a few times.
From now on, I intend to take a more positive tack and think good thoughts.
JE

Another Interesting List About Moi

Do you hold grudges easily? Not really.
Do you suffer pain from a past hurt? yes
Can you handle constructive criticism? Not very well
In this world what makes you the happiest? Singing, Holding Miss Peanut, or seeing my kids.
Do you believe colors express your personality? yup
Whom do you respect the most? Those around me that seem to have it altogether all the time.
What is an interest of yours that others would find silly? Creativity
Do you believe there is a god? Certainly
Do you fall for romance movies? I find them sappy
Do you fall in love too quickly? Not any more
Do you believe in destiny (fate)? Sorta
Do you often get annoyed by cell phones? I hate them!
Do you catch yourself running from situations? More frequently than not.
What would you consider to be your best talent? Losing myself in whatever project I am doing.
Which do you value more, family or friends? Family
Do you like card games? Hate ‘em!
Ever been swimming in a lake or river? Yes
Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah
Have you ever been on a horse? Yes, used to own my own and ride every day.
What’s irritating you right now? My life
Which radio station(s) do you listen to? WJOT: D.J. there is my friend, and is sensational.
Are you afraid of the dark? Not as long as the doors are locked.
Do you get distracted easily? Depends on what I am doing.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? gargled.
Is this year the best year of your life? Not even close
Do you have any strange phobias? mice: they just piss me off.
Is it easier to forgive or to forget? To forgive
Do you give out second chances too easily? Yes
Have you dated people who weren’t good to you? Oh yes. I remember it well.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No
Where is your cell phone? On the table in my room, charging.
What time did you go to sleep last night? Around midnight.
Are you excited for the future? Not really: it looks sorta bleak from where I view it.
Your first ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say? You bitch! Do you have any idea how much I loved you, and you threw it all away! Get out of my life!
When was the last time you yelled at someone? Does raising my voice at a student count? If so, almost daily. If not, then I can’t remember the last time I yelled.
When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Today
Have you done anything you regret in 2008 so far? Oh yeah! Several things, but most of them are private.
Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now? Several.
Have you ever punched anyone? I punched a guy in the face once upon a time.
What’s your last text message say? I don’t text!
Have you ever been called Prince/Princess? NOT! Princely, maybe. Especially in my Madrigal getup.
Whom do you go to when you need someone to talk to? Right now, I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m alone, dammit. I have found that basically, most people don’t want to hear my problems, or my feelings, so I just keep my mouth shut and keep them inside.

The first time

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?A girl named Kay
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?No
3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?gin and 7 Up. What did I know at age 12.
4. What was your FIRST job?mowing lawns
5. What was your FIRST car?mint green 54 Plymouth Savoy
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?I don’t text
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?Professor; wondering if she made it home okay.
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?Mrs. Dustin
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?San Francisco 47 years ago in a 4 motor prop
10. Who was your FIRST best friend, and are you still friends with him / her?Ronnie-nope
11. Who was your FIRST kiss?Bertie
12. Where was your FIRST sleep over?Probably Grandma’s.
13. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?Julianne
14. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?Jan’s. I was an acolyte.
15. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?got out of bed
16. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?Ray Boltz, then Billy Joel
17. FIRST tattoo or piercing?left ear lobe, still contemplating a tattoo
18. FIRST foreign country you went to?Canada
19. First movie you remember seeing in the theater? Peter Pan
20. When was your FIRST detention?Didn’t have such a thing when I was in school.
21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?Indiana
22. Who was the FIRST person to really break your heart? Linda
23. Who was your first roommate?Other than my brother and parents, my college roomie, Tom
24. With whom was your FIRST date?Bertie

To My Darlin' Daughter!!!

"Happy Birthday to you,"

"Happy Birthday to you,"

"Happy Birthday dear Proffy,"

"Happy Birthday to you."

Have a good one!

JE aka Prof's Daddy

Like Sand Through the Hourglass of Life

It's been a year since my world, as I knew it, came crashing down around my shoulders. My beloved wife of 38 years was gone. After struggling for what must have seemed forever to her, with multiple health problems, God called her home. Thus, began my new journey into unfamiliar territory called "alone."

This journey that I have been on has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. It has been filled with highs and lows. The lows far out number the highs, but the speed with which this year has passed is phenomenal.

The day after Tilly's funeral, I rode back to Texas with my brother and sister-in-law. There I began the grieving process. They both were super to me, spending time listening to me, crying with me and, too, giving me time alone to think and write. (Before I left, Professor had given me a journal.) I relaxed in the sun and got refreshed, but all too soon it was time to return to the reality back home.

Tilly had always handled the day-to-day running of the house. I had no idea when the bills were due, where to mail stuff, or even what the password to our on-line banking account was. I wasn't sure what was in the cupboards or freezer either. I learned quickly! And I am proud to say that the utility bills and insurance premiums have all been kept current and paid on time. I have had to deal with the mountains of debt incurred during those last days that Tilly was in the ICU unit at the hospital in Ft. Wayne. My mind is still reeling at the exorbitant fees that doctors charge for just walking into a patient's room. The hospital bill alone edged very closely to $100,000. This didn't count the numerous doctors and technicians who bill seperately. I am truly grateful for the medical insurance that we carried. And I advise everyone out there to make sure you have adequate life insurance. We didn't! I will be paying off the funeral expenses for a long time to come.

Along with all the "stuff" I have already talked about, I have learned about grief. The grief that enveloped me was huge. One minute I was thinking, "Oh, I can handle this," and the next minute I was racked with tears and feelings of darkness and despair; a loneliness that was and still is indescribable. I equate it with being in a dark tunnel with no light at the end, stumbling along not able to see or feel anything.

"First" are not pleasant either, but friends and family seem to make them happen. Cousins had me at their home for Thanksgiving. My children were at my house for Christmas. Somehow, we all made it through that holiday, but the pain was there right below the surface for us all. Mom was missing! New Years Eve was spent with my friends da Hubes, and I had a good time, despite the feeling of being a "lone wolf." Valentine's Day came and went . I looked at the cards with longing and a heavy heart. Suddenly the romance was gone from my life. Would I ever feel that way again? On Tilly's birthday, I made a wreath for her grave. I also had Lil Bro and Sistah over for dinner. I fixed Tilly's favorites, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans. We toasted her memory. I remember, too, how weird it was to write the word "widower" on a form for the first time. But that was "me" now. Get used to it!

On the advice of my family doctor, I have joined a grief recovery and healing group. This group has helped me a lot. I realize now that I am not the only one who has ever been through this life-altering experience. I realize that it's okay to cry, and it's okay to laugh. I have learned that it is good to talk about my grief, and to talk about my life with Tilly. It's okay to feel anger, and sadness; basically, it's okay to feel the way I do at any given moment. And believe me, those feelings change all the time.

Through all of this, my family has been so very supportive. At first, both of my children called me daily; just to check in and see that I was okay. My Texas and Ohio family called frequently to touch base and give me words of encouragement. Now that it's been a year, I think my kids have relaxed and know that Dad is doing alright most days, and that I'm not leaving them anywhere in the near future. I spend lots of time with my son and daughter-in-law, and now my new granddaughter. They fill a great void for me and I admit I would be lost without them. I email Professor almost daily and we call back and forth across the miles between here and Montana often. I know they care...that's the most important thing right now.

My friends have been there for me and have seen me through some of the toughest of times. Of course, some of the couples that Tilly and I did things with have distanced themselves and that's only natural. Others have become closer than ever before. With them, I can laugh, cry, and just be myself.

My faith has been tested this last year. Why not! I have wondered why Tilly died. I have asked God, "Why me," in my moments of darkest despair. But, when I talk to others and they mention losing a loved one, I know I didn't "lose" Tilly. I know exactly where she is. I find tremendous comfort in knowing that she is now pain-free and I picture her singing in a heavenly choir. My pastors and my church family have played an important part in my reaching this point in my acceptance. They have been nurturing, kind and loving. I could not have reached this point without them. I still am singing. It's one of the things that brings me joy. Tilly was my biggest fan, and I can feel her nudging me to continue, even when I would rather stay home.

A year later I am still in the grieving stage. I probably will always grieve. But I am more at ease with the grief. I understand it more each day. That tunnel I mentioned earlier is still dark, but there are days that I catch a glimpse of light at the end. Even though it is dim, or at best just a flicker, it gives me hope.

Peace and Hope,
JE

The Yardwork Challenge

If you have ever noticed in my blog, I have stated that yardwork is not really my forte. I do it, but I don't like it very well. With fall now upon us in Area 52, it's time to cut back the perinnials, trim up the bushes and mow the grass, blowing the leaves that have already fallen into the driveway and then sweeping them into a trash bag.

So, after church, I come home, don my "wife beater" tee shirt, old shorts, and my yard shoes. I get out the weed eater, hedge trimmers, pruners, and shears. And the mower. I like to weed eat before I mow so I can pick up the debris in the grassbag of my mower. I did the back yard. I did the side yard and along the front sidewalk. I decided that my spirea bush needed to be trimmed so I got the hedge trimmers, which are electric like my weed eater. I change the cords around, and began. All is going well. I have about two more cuts to make on the bush, and suddenly my trimmers quit. They are borrowed from Aunt Alice, and I certainly didn't want to ruin them, so upon investigation, I discovered that I had cut my best 50' outdoor cord in two. Glad I didn't get shocked, but pissed that I ruined my chord, I finished up trimming by hand. Then I mowed. Then I restacked my stone wall at the entrance to the alley that runs by my house. The neighbors insist on hitting it every once in a while, and knocking it down. This is an ongoing concern, but if I didn't have it there, people would just keep driving up in my yard and would kill the plantings that I have out there. By this time, I am hot, tired and hungry. I put all the tools away and come in. I go into the bathroom to rinse off my feet and legs, and no lights work. The lights in my laundry room don't work. So, down to the basement I go. I find the breaker that runs the outside plug, reset it, and "VOILA" the lights come back on.

I need to go to the grocery. My milk is gone past due date, the bread in my bread box is green. I noshed on crackers and apple butter, and some microwave oatmeal, and a diet coke. I found some grapes in my fridge that were still alright, and ate those. Right now, I think I will grab a cold beer, and sit on my butt and cool down and maybe take a nap. I have had enough of a challenge from Mother Nature for one day. The back yard will have to wait until tomorrow, for "tomorrow is another day."

Face Lift

Greetings!
I felt like I needed a change. As much as the other blog face was "me" I felt like a change. I wish I could design my own. If anyone out ther knows how, let me know. I like this one and it is much easier to read. Besides that, change is good. Hope everyone likes it. By the way, I have been trying to put together a blog posting of several pictures in a row of my favorite singers. I want to call it Musical Monday. But I keep getting "error on page" when I upload more than two pictures. Maybe I can figure it out, or maybe someone out there can help me out.
JE

I am Grandpa again!

Today, folks, I became Grandpa for the second time. I spent numerous hours sitting in the waiting room waiting, with my son and daughter-in-law just down the hall. It took about 15 hours, but little Kinzie Madelyn was finally born. She weighed in at 7 lbs. 14ozs. and was 20" long. This was quite a feat for Sistah, cause she isn't a very big gal. This is their first child. Mom and baby are doing fine, and Daddy was a real trooper. He was beaming. He called his sister, the Professor, and I heard him say, "My daughter is here." My baby is now a daddy. My how time flies. This brought back some very fond memories of when my children were born. It also was a bittersweet time. With Tilly gone almost a year now, and a new life being born. Isn't it funny how the "circle of life" works?
Peace and Hope...much Hope!
JE