Surviving

Right now I feel like all I am doing is surviving day to day. I am now what is called the "surviving spouse." Well, that is right. I survived. I was able to get up the next day after Tilly's death, draw a breath, and go on. Is that fair? I wasn't the one who was sick. I wasn't the one who was on total life support. Why was she gone and me still here? As I ask myself that question, I realize that one of us had to go first. Only, this wasn't in the time frame either of us had in mind. We were going to grow old together, wear purple, and be an old, fun couple.

Now, I won't have the chance to know what Tilly would have looked like at 80, with beautiful silver hair. I know she would have still worn her favorite color, red, and lots of bangled jewelry. These are the things I think about as I sit here in Texas at my brother's house. They offered to bring me here for a week to rest and recoup, so I took them up on it. I go back to Area 52 on Saturday. That house is going to seem so large and empty. My computer is on the "blink" thanks to an inept cable guy, who, quite frankly, doesn't know his internet from a hair net, so I wont have that connection to you all. After a couple days handling the legal death stuff, which I left there waiting, I will go back to the classroom.

My family has taken me under their wing, like a wounded bird. Prof calls me from MT daily, and Little Bro has called me from Area 52 every day, both just to say 'hi' and chat me up about whatever comes to mind. What wonderful kids I have!!

I have a lot of friends. I found that out last week, and they are still calling me, even here in TX. I know that they will be what sustains me in the time to come. My school family has been fantastic, and it is with all these people's help that I will survive. It is with these people, both family and friends, that I will find reason to get up tomorrow after tomorrow, and survive.

JE