Confessions of a Home Shopper

I wrote this a few years ago, and was always going to submit it to "Reader's Digest," or even send it to QVC as a spoof with the hope that they would read it on the air sometime. Well, I didn't and I found it tucked in a flap in my dresser caddie. So you all get to read it.

Okay, I admit it. I'm a home shopping TV junkie. Quite by accident I caught the bug while channel surfing. (You must admit, today's TV lineup leaves a lot to be desired, so surfing the channels has become a new sport.) I've tried watching the Home Shopping Network, but is too "high pressure" and that dumb horn they squeak is maddening. QVC, on the other hand, is soft sell. The hosts broadcast from beautiful sets and are so at ease with their products that soon you are convinced that you can't cook another meal without T-Fal cookware, or wash your hair again without Susan Lucci's shampoo. All the time the host is hocking his wares, he's becoming your friend. His eye contact and expressions let you know that this Craftsman tool belt will not only let you get your handiman jobs done more efficiently, it will make you look thinner while doing them.
Celebrities of course add a certain flair to the programming. Though I haven't purchased any of Annette Funicello or Marie Osmond's dolls, it's good to see these gals of my teen years and see that they are aging just like the rest of us. (yeah! right.!) Talk show host, Gary Collins does endorse a terrific line of men's sweaters, and who could resist Charleston Heston's video series of the Holy Lands? I mean it's like God himself offering the tour!
The quality of QVC's products are first rate, and the selection is vast. Why, one afternoon, they even sold breast and fanny enhancers, followed immediately by cresent wrenches and tool boxes! Who does the scheduling, anyway?
I'm on a first-name basis with several hosts. I know that when Bob, Kathy, Judy and Steve are on, I will be entertained as well as enlightened. They schmooze with their unseen audiences and take calls from buyers at home, while imparting vast amounts of knowledge about the products they are selling.
I'm convinced that people weill buy anything! Helen from Rhode Island has every piece of S.G. Sportswear ever made in steel blue and Kay from North Dakota collects cookie jars. She has about 148 of them sitting around, though she keeps many of them in storage in their original boxes!
This is live, all-American entertainment at it's best. Let's see, next is an hour called "for the home." Maybe I'll find the perfect mop, or rug or doorbell or.....

Well, you get the idea. Best rest assured, I don't buy. I just watch. I have noticed, while surfing, (yes, I still do that, much to my wife's chagrin) that some of my faves are gone on to other endeavors, but the hype is still the same. I still stop and watch once in a while, maybe someday I will find the perfect wrench, or maybe not!